I understand how important this last week was to myself now that I'm half way through a new work week. The artist in me is craving that freedom again, not for the sake of art itself but for deep down soul cleansing personal work that I have an intense need to get out of my system.I didn't realize that over the years Ive developed a strong ability to suppress a lot of feelings that get in the way of every day life. To name a few... sorrow and loss.
I think that is why I can do the foster work so well. I put those guys in a different pocket of my brain, well away from my heart and the deep, deep place I allow my children to go and stay for all eternity.
To say its a struggle to maintain life after one of my dear ones passes away is a huge understatement. Its a feeling I cant possibly describe or ever wish upon my worst enemy. But even that feeling I can suppress for a while but it always comes back and I have to deal with it at some point.
Working on my art taps into my emotional brain that is some what uncomfortable but creates amazing results in my work. Most times its impossible to create with a dry eye... my emotions are there physically, mentally and transferred to the canvas. Many people will not be able to see the emotional pieces in my work but they are there in plain sight if you know what to look for. Maybe some day I will write down an explanation for these details, how my loved ones come through and live on through eternity.
My longest work in progress "Contemplation" is packed full of details that were created during the passing of three of my beloved girls. Roots dive deep throughout the piece representing the depth of my life with them, strong plants spring up only to explode and die at the ends when it seems as if it would have lived forever and tiny new life pops into the piece where my new children take the stage and life pushes me on, ever forward.
Patsy still runs with her team in the 2005 Yukon Quest t-shirt design 'Loyalty'. Mercury is immortal in 'Contemplation' and the 2009 Yukon Quest logo "Mountain Leaders'. Hera stands for the ages in my fine art pieces 'Watching and Waiting', 'Holding my Breath' and the 'Trails End' logo. And Ursa will always remembered in the logos 'Tails on the Trail' and 'S.N.I.P'.
Aquila runs with her team again in my latest small painting and the girls, Iris and Ursa, are locked together with their sisterly bond in a piece I haven't had the strength to get back to. Its been more than two years since Ursa and Iris have passed but the pain is still too real for me, its still too hard to face head on.
Their presence may not be clear for all to see but their likeness and their spirits are there and spread around the globe for all the world to see. I could never separate them from my life, my art, even if I tried. They are a part of me in this life and in death that I could never live without.
And so as the spring thaw comes and solar light at the 'garden' comes on where they lay I think of them again with fond and sorrowful thoughts. In the last three summers Ive lost three precious souls one by one and as the temperatures warm I pray to the powers that be that this trend will stop, at least for a little while. I know it cant stop forever, more must pass... it is the way of this life... but as I lay close to those I hold dear and look upon their whitened muzzles and graying eyes I will try my best to stay in that moment and love every precious second.
Mercury and Chronos had their time in the house today and since I was feeling under the weather I laid with Merk on the floor for some relaxation time. I scratched deep into his fur while he gingerly washed my face for what seemed like an eternity... he and I, forehead to forehead, being in the moment of life for all that it was worth. We lay there for a time curled up on our sides feeling so much like week old pups without a care in the world. What a feeling that is... to have no cares, to know only love and life... its one of those moments I will remember forever and am blessed to have such a wonderful best friend to share it with...
We never know how long any of us will have here... be sure to make the most of it, make the most of every second... and live life as a week old pup, warm, secure and loved by everything around you...
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