I'm trying to open up to the idea that his absence is my reality now but I can feel my brain drawing a curtain, ever so slightly, over that window... my mind is doing its best to keep me safe but some times I wish it would give it to me straight and in full force, other times I am grateful for the small piece of mind, the tiny ray of sunshine, that allows me to smile... if only for a moment...
And today had a few ups to it, many downs but its the up times I need to think about most... each day is melding into the next in ways Ive never experienced before. Its really been an odd process with my main goal to always keep moving no matter how mundane the task. Mornings are the worst but I consider getting out of bed at any hour a major accomplishment. I keep telling myself that this process is only making me stronger, that there is good to this, there has to be...
Today's major accomplishment was our newest foster Maude settling in tonight much better than she has before. She came in last Friday and has been howling or barking ever since. Its been a major frustration for me, especially after Spock's passing on Sunday, she seemed to add unnecessary weight to my already fragile mood.
I kept reminding myself that its not her fault, shes in rough shape and who knows what her past was like... though her two upper broken canines tells me a lot... so I let her howl during the day, disciplining her from my office window now and again but largely letting her settle in herself. At night she would sleep in a kennel in the garage, to keep peace with our neighbors, and continue her howling.
Tonight is a good night for her... shes quiet and it does wonders to my soul to hear everyone settling in for the night out there. Ive got so much on my mind and my heart is far too heavy to take on any more burdens right now.
But I wonder if, through her burden, and getting her back up to health how much of that task helps the overall situation? Only time will tell... shes a wonderful girl and I enjoy her personality and each dog has their gifts that they give over time. So often I am amazed and in wonder at how beautiful these creatures can be despite what they have had to live through in their past.
Just tonight I took time to sit at the spruce garden and enjoy the dogs there. Its funny to see how differently they react to me being there... even the shier ones seem a bit more at peace for some reason... and its been beautiful to watch them play. Thani has really taken to Eli (our newest foster/boarder) and plays with her so much. I was shocked to look up and see Thani flat on the ground with little 35 pound Eli at his throat! Thani is such a good natured and gentle soul but Calypso thought he was in trouble and came to his aid anyway. It was pretty funny and very touching to see them getting along so well.
And Ichabod has taken a shine to me more so than ever since he discovered the wonders of belly rubs! I cant quite explain the contortion of poses he will get himself into to get my attention and into my lap. Its quite comical!
The others have been absolutely wonderful as well and, as always, they remain the very best therapy I could ever ask for. I feel a sort of separation coming on in my life where the old fades away and I am left to look at my life and how much I have grown. It seems Ive gone from a child who needed protecting (mostly by Spock) into a mother bear who is developing an even stronger instinct to protect her young.
Ive always felt protective over them but having seen the others (Aquila, Mercury, Spock) as guardians, as parents, like myself... watching over our children and watching with wonder as the little ones grow up at our sides... its strange beyond what words can express to be able to let go of such a strong support group that they have been for me for so long and know that they expect me to keep going and keep protecting their, our, children.
I don't quite understand all this... I'm still learning... but I have a feeling there is a very strong lesson to all of this...
I am including pictures of Maude at the end of this post for those of you who don't like to see a dog in rough shape. These were taken a few days after she came here and is the worst case I have seen so far. She is eating well, has her first vet check up on Monday and will heal just fine given time but it is important to get a record of her in this worst state to enjoy the wonderful whole dog she will become given time and therapy...
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