Went to the flood control to gather stones today... a chore Ive been having to do for three years now. The 'garden' has an excuse to be neglected if no one needs to be placed there. Unfortunately its needed attention every summer. Id like to have the excuse to go out there to heal rather than to keep having my heart broken... one of these years I hope to not bury any one... some year very soon...The fields looked so wonderful today. So different without the snow out there. I wish I had brought my camera to bring back pictures to share. Instead I have only memories... past memories, present memories, a lingering vision of Mercury seemingly alone out there with no other dogs around besides little Ajax. Seeing my 'old man' from the ground up, myself flat on the ground as the wind carried softly through the waist high oat hay and miselanious wheat heads growing all around us.
Fields of mixed plants are so wonderful, so fragrant. I had no idea how tasty and sweet oats can be right out of the pod. They are so soft and one of them always sweeter than the other two nesting with it. Wheat seeds I also found are a complete delight fresh. So much nicer before they are harvested and dried. The clover was wonderful also, the leaves and flowers both. It was so enjoyable to eat a fresh salad picked here and there as we walked through all the plant life.
The stones gathered there hold strong meaning for all of us. They boarder a land and trail system that has bordered all of our lives. That is why I chose those stones to protect their graves to help carry those memories through to them on the other side.
And being in that field, flat on my back, thinking of our pack as whole as they used to be running through all the tall stems and I waiting for them to focus on something other than myself as I fall hidden to the ground and suppress my giggles as they try to find me. Always they do, always... our bond is so great and in those moments I am reminded how each one of us cant seem to live without the other.
I missed Aquila's smile today, her wide mouth grin that she always expressed when she was too hot in the sun but having too much fun to leave. Mercury was slower today than Ive seen him in years past and those two always join me in memory as our first couple and the reason why we were so blessed by their children.
The pups live on through them, that is a blessing, but loosing dogs that have traveled with me so many years in this life is the painful loss of loosing old friends forever. Having their grandchildren here is wonderful but right now they all feel like strangers. I will know them in time, and I know how much I already have bonded with them and love them so... but it does little to heal the grief exposed by those gone by... I cant help but feel lost, lost in those fields of beauty with only memories keeping them alive...
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